I'm all for self-esteem. I want my kids to feel good about themselves, especially in this tear-the-other-person-down world. At the same time, I'm not convinced that a good self-esteem is as valuable as we have made it out to be. I believe we have gone too far with our self-esteem psychology. Instead of merely enabling a child to stop putting themselves down, we have raised self-esteem to the level of, "Everything I do is terrific, no matter what it is." I'm convinced we have short-changed our children into mediocrity and loss of values.

Instead, we need to instill strong values and character in children as the only way to help them successfully confront the many negative influences to which they are exposed each day. By character I mean trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, compassion, citizenship, faith, and courage. Right away you can see that these are very different from what we usually think of when we speak of self-esteem. The ultimate measure of a man is not found in what he thinks of himself, but rather in what he is in himself. We care so much that everyone gets a prize that we neglect to reward hard work and self-discipline, responsibility and excellence. At the same time, we certainly do not want to contribute to a negative environment with ridicule, put-downs, or ignoring participation and effort. Some accuse, however, that in the process of self-esteem psychology we have created a nation of confident mediocrity complete with inflated egos. After all, the argument goes, if I'm that good because I participate, why should I work harder? "Learn to accept me the way I am."

A better path is the emphasis of character. When we moved into our home in Amherst 11 years ago, there was a plastic shell encasing the walls in the tub/shower area. It looked just fine. Every time we took a shower (after already signing the deed), black debris cascaded down into the tub. Finally we tore the plastic down to find that the walls behind the plastic were rotted. The previous owner, instead of dealing with the real issues, simply placed an attractive plastic covering over them, and sold the house! We rebuilt the wall with proper materials, and now the room is both beautiful and sound.

We must teach our children honesty and trustworthiness in all situations. The easy escapes and manipulations of deceit come all too easily. Yet in real life we must learn that no matter how bad the truth is, it doesn't tear you apart inside like dishonesty. At least the truth leaves you with some self-respect and decency. Dishonesty is downright demeaning. According to research done by George Barna, about three-quarters of all adults reject the notion that there are absolute moral truths. Most Americans believe that all truth is relative to the situation and the individuals involved. Similarly, at least three-quarters of our teens embrace the same position regarding moral truths. Not only do more than three out of four teenagers say there is no absolute moral truth, four out of five also claim that nobody can know for certain whether or not they actually know what truth is. This may also help to explain why a majority of teenagers (37 percent) say that lying is sometimes necessary-not merely convenient, common, understandable or acceptable, but necessary. In contrast, St. Augustine said, "When regard for truth has been broken down or even slightly weakened, all things will remain doubtful."

We must teach respect for others and for property. We live in a critical and cynical country where the press publishes with a no-holds-barred indecency and where business operates with an "only the bottom line counts" immorality. People are often held up for exposure and ridicule. Criticism is our soup du jour. I believe, instead, that we need discretion to hold our tongues, to be more uplifting, less critical, and more respectful.

Looking from the other side of respect ("I want others to respect me"), it is often being confused with self-absorption. Kids walk around with "attitude," demanding a respect based on self-centeredness rather than on nobility and virtue. As we all know, our children seem to think that nobility and virtue are peripheral. The craving for respect, which turns into a thin-skinned quest to prove one's toughness and invulnerability, inevitably leads to arrogance, anger, and sometimes violence.

Learning appropriate submission, respect, and obedience are all valuable character traits. We must bring dignity back to authority by practicing integrity and discernment. Respect is an act of appropriate submission to those in leadership positions. Obedience is a legitimate and respectful response to leadership.

We must teach responsibility. We have heard and seen that Baby-Boomers were raised to think they deserve certain comforts, perks, and privileges without having to work for them. The next generation expects even more. Part of our duty as parents is to withhold possessions and create work so that our children learn responsibility. Self-esteem says, "I am worthwhile because I exist." Character says, "I am worthwhile because I exist and because I act responsibly and conscientiously." We all need to learn more about keeping commitments, working to our potential, doing a job as if we are doing it for God, following through with determination and excellence.

Many of us have been taught to blame. No matter what happens, find someone else to pin it on. Blame your parents, your teachers, your environment, the God, or your birth order. One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding someone to honestly blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license. Reinhold Neihbuhr contends that, "Life has no meaning except in terms of responsibility."

We must teach fairness. Every child's battle cry is, "That's not fair!" Because we know that life isn't fair, we learn in the world to get away with whatever we can. Just drive around Amherst for awhile and you'll see the blatant display of "every man for himself" at every traffic signal. Fairness to others must be both caught and taught, even when others are not fair with us. Embodied in true fairness is assertiveness and submission, consideration for oneself and others, justice and mercy, all with a dash of wisdom.

We must teach compassion. Henry Emerson Fosdick says, "Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes."

We must teach citizenship. This includes thinking of others and not just yourself, thinking of society and not just yourself, obeying laws, learning about loyalty, and considering societal health as greater than personal wealth.

We must teach faith. There is a reality beyond what we can see, and it's more than just belief in God. People know there is more to life than schedules, material things, and achievement, but not as many live as if they know that. We put such credence in information, in facts, and in the "prove it to me " mentality, when we need just as much to see and teach mystery and faith, the spiritual realities, and trust in God.

Frederick Buechner writes, "Science is the investigation of the physical universe and its ways and consists largely of weighing, measuring, and putting things in test tubes. To assume that this kind of investigation can unearth solutions to all man's problems is a form of religious faith whose bankruptcy has only in recent years started to become apparent.

"There is a tendency in many people to suspect that anything that can't be weighed, measured, or put in a test tube is either not real or not worth talking about. That is like a blind man's suspecting that anything that can't be smelled, tasted, touched, or heard is probably a figment of the imagination.

"A scientist's views on such subjects as God, morality, life after death, are apt to be about as enlightening as a theologian's views on the structure of the atom or the cause and cure of the common cold.

"The conflict between science and religion, which reached its peak toward the end of the last century, is like the conflict between a podiatrist and a poet. One says that Susie Smith has fallen arches. The other says she walks in beauty like the night. In his own way each is speaking the truth. What is at issue is the kind of truth you're after."

Finally, we must teach courage. Courage, says Chuck Swindoll, is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much deeper and much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you're misunderstood. And also remember what Shakespeare writes in Henry the Fourth, that of better part of valor is discretion.

And so I conclude that the priority is to teach character, and from nobility of character will come healthy self-esteem. Instead, we have taught self-esteem as the priority, almost to the disregard of character. It's hollowness is now more than apparent. The highest reward for man's toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it.