The subject of dating is often a concern to parents. We are all aware that the dating situation is not the same as when we were kids. Parents wonder what the new rules are, and whether those rules are good or lousy ones.

We would be wise to acknowledge that dating is one of the biggest priorities kids have in their life. Tony Campolo even goes so far to say, "There is nothing that will influence your life more between the ages of 16 and 24 than your dating."

How old should you be before you date? I believe it is not a matter of age, but of readiness. 1.) Your son or daughter should know about both the joys and responsibilities of dating. The joys can easily include that you have fun with another person, you get to go places and do things, you get to share your life with someone who's friendship you enjoy, and you get the good feelings of being liked by someone else.

Some of the responsibilities fall into the categories of conversation, a person's dignity, emotional stability, and your reasons for dating. By conversation I mean that you're not ready for dating if you don't know how to hold a conversation with another person. Adolescents who are still in the "grunting" stage are most likely not ready. Shrugging shoulders often doesn't make for good conversational skills either.

As far as personal dignity, I mean how they treat their body and the body of the other individual. Our society encourages treating each other as sex objects or objects for our own selfish pleasure, but this approach to dating relationships violates the personal dignity of both participants. Personal dignity also includes the ability to represent your date or partner in healthy ways to your friends. It is demeaning to another to joke coarsely about them, or to misrepresent them to your friends. Finally, personal dignity includes being able to treat them with respect if the time comes for you to break up.

By emotional stability, I mean are they capable of handling the highs and lows of emotional response that a dating relationship with inevitably bring?

And last but not least, understanding the reasons for dating. It should certainly not be to enhance your social status or to get a good partner for making out. You date to have fun, to learn how to act around the opposite sex, to discover what kind of partner you work best with, and to uncover what kind of a person you are. Dating teaches you about love, giving, sacrifice, compromise, and many other valuable qualities.

All of these things make worthy discussion topics between you and your child. I contend that readiness for dating is not an issue of age but of maturity.

2.) Ask your son or daughter: What are your moral standards? We live in a very loose moral environment.

3.) Ask: Are you able to seek counsel from people who know you and are qualified to help you when you need it? Once you get into dating situations, you will be seeking advice from other people. Many teens seek out their friends for such counsel, but their friends are as inexperienced and as swayed by emotions as they are.

So saying, some kids may be ready for this at 15. Others at 17. No one at 13. Until they are ready to handle dating maturely, they should not be allowed. Some of you parents may think what I am suggesting is too formal and too extreme. I ask you: Have you seen the way kids violate each other's dignity on a date or after a break-up? Have you ever seen someone's emotional stability shaken during an unhealthy relationship or break-up? Have you known anyone to compromise their standards? I think the questions have value, and are well worth the discussion with your son or daughter.

What you as a parent are really hoping for in a date for your child is a good friend, someone to spend time with, someone to have fun with, and someone they can trust, someone who will contribute positively to their spiritual, social, and emotional growth. I think both you and your children will be able to agree on these goals.

It also helps if a kids knows, before they ask someone out, that just because a person says "no" to going out, or "no" to a date, it doesn't mean you are worthless. Many kids feel that way, and it stinks.

How do you break up without hurting someone? There are no easy answers. It's a lot easier to dig a hole than to dig out of a hole. Breakups are painful no matter what. Some pointers might be 1) Don't play games with the person, such as ignore them or back off in stages. 2) Tell it straight. Be clear and straight-forward with the person, showing both sensitivity and honesty. 3) Tell them why you want to break up, but there is no reason to cut them or dump on them. 4) Don't ask friends to do it for you. Handle it yourself. 5) Go out of your way to be kind and friendly afterwards.

What are the rules for dating right now? The thing now is "going out," which means you and the other person are known as a couple. How it's different from what we knew as "going steady" is that nowadays it's backwards: they ask someone to "go out" with them, and then they go through the process of getting acquainted through dating. If they discover it's not working out, they break up and look for someone else to "go out" with. (Thus, the reason many teen relationships actually last only a few weeks.) I don't endorse it, but it's the system right now.

Is it OK for Christians to date non-christians? Many kids feel that it's OK for Christians to date non-Christians. The Bible, of course, does not forbid it, because there was no such thing in the Bible days as dating. There can be certain benefits to it, such as enlarging your circle of friends, and enjoying the company of an enjoyable person, but there are also problems with it, especially if it pulls a Christian kid away from God, or results in the marriage of a Christian with a non-Christian, which the Bible does forbid (1 Cor. 7.39; 2 Cor. 6.14). Dawson McAllister asserts that "No other issue will test your walk with God more than this issue... It depends on your goal in dating" (as I stated previously). He reminds kids that "two people are not compatible just because they are in love." The most important value for us as Christians is living like Jesus, so you have to use your head more than your heart.

I have one last thing to say. There is great pressure on kids to grow up too fast. Their friends make fun of them if they aren't always pushing the limits. In turn, your kids will push you to turn up the clock. "It's not like you were when you were a kid, Mom," they may scold. That's true, but my advice is still to stand strong and resist the pressure. There is no benefit to growing up too fast. There are only dangers. Make them wait to date. Dating too early is just courting problems.

One possible compromise is to suggest that when they are beginning to be ready that they start by group dating for the first year, and even at the beginning of each new relationship. Group dating is going out in groups of 5-10 people or so. It takes away much of the conversational stress, it reduces the tension of being identified as a couple, and it greatly diminishes the prospect of inappropriate physical intimacy. In group dating one can achieve many of the goals of dating while alleviating many of the negatives.